I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
