maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
