my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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