im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
