When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
