just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is my gift to your gina
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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