Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
