I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
