Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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