I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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