you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
