I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Mom said you looked used
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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