1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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