omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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