I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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