Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
