I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
