He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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