My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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