and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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