Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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