Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
