im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
