Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
