in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
