1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
