Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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