People in love make me want to vomit
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
