i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need to calm my uterus...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
