do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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