I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
