3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she peed on how many people?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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