my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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