Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
