Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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