Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
How does one acquire holy water?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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