I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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