she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
