Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
