He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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