so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
