I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
