you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
