i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
