I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
