My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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