I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
