Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
