I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
