Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
